Dean Winchester: "He's My brother"

Prologue:

Dean and Sam Winchester are two brothers that traveling across the nation to hunt and kill demons. It's their job. It's what they are designed to do. It's what they have to do. And they are very good doing it. 

But, what if someday Dean had to leave his brother alone hunting the demons? Does he regret the decision he'd taken for saving Sam's life? 

...

It feels good to be back on the road. The last hunt wasn’t so bad. Sam and I can deal with it quite well. I quietly look at Sam who sits next to me. Sam, my one and only brother, the one that I want to protect the most in this world. He’s quiet. He’s angry. We’ve just have a fight on the same topic again.

“Why you can be so calm like this? You’re going to die, Dean, and I feel so upset because I can’t find a way to save you and add with your ignorance!” said Sam.

“But I don’t want to be save,” I said. Sam looks surprised.

“Can you just care about yourself for once?” ask Dean and I just smile to him.

“Nope,” I shake my head. After it, he doesn’t say anything and just looking outside the window. I know he’s upset with me, with my stubbornness with this matter. I’m glad he’s upset, so he would stop talking this subject, as if I don’t aware about it. 

I’m going to die, when? Maybe soon, I don’t know how long the time has passed after I made exchange for Sam’s life. The demon said I only have one year left, and times has passed since then. I don’t know how much time left, I didn’t count it. All I know and care now is to keep going in the hunt and preparing Sam before I finally left. 

Actually, I’m not pretending I don’t care. If I had a choice, I don’t want to die, not now, not before I make sure that Sam will be safe. I have to make sure he’ll be safe from those demons whose chasing him. They want to make Sam their leader, give me a break!! I won’t let them touch Sam! I won’t let him fall to their side. I’ll make sure Sam will be fine and then I can leave this world freely, although my destination isn’t heaven. But, I won’t regret it. I won’t regret my decision to change my life for him. 

I know Sam will be fine on his own. He’s not bad in dealing with the demon now, which sometimes scares me. Sam that is gentle could also be so vicious with demons when he’s upset. I must teach him to control his emotions, it will cost him someday. I just hope I have enough time to do so. Lately, I’ve started to think about my decision to ask him in the hunt. Is it wrong? Not from where I see it that time. Even so, Sam agrees with his own will to join me. Well, most of the reason is because Monica’s death. Monica was Sam’s girlfriend that was killed by the same demon who killed our mom. Sam joins me because he wants to hunt and kill the demon who took Monica. His reason isn’t because of me, so I don’t need to feel guilty if I leave him alone, right? I know this is my own excused. But, if only I don’t ask him in the first place, he won’t be here. We won’t be doing this job, and I surely won’t be facing my death this soon. If only, I didn’t pick up Sam.

I look at him. Sam is still looking outside the window. I don’t know what he’s thinking. But, I’m sure he knows it like I do, that there’s nothing he can do to escape the agreement. There’s nothing he can do to save my life. The demon has said it clearly, no matter where I go or what I do, I will end up dead. I can’t escape it; I must pay the price of the favor I ask. I look at Sam again. I know he won’t accept my words; it would only hurt him more. But, he can’t blame me. He can’t blame what I’m doing, saving his life. What I supposed to do, let him die? Of course I can’t do that! I’ve lost mom, dad, and now I would lose Sam too, no way! I would rather die than to see him dead. I don’t want to be left alone! Wait a minute, maybe it’s the reason why I’ve pick up Sam, because I don’t want to be alone. 

Then, what about Sam? If I die, then I will leave him alone, just like me. Man, now I’m starting to feel like I’ve done something wrong to him. Does Sam realize that too? Does Sam thinking that he’ll be alone in the world that different from the others? 

Well, before I picked Sam, I was alone. I was doing the hunt all by myself while Sam maybe having fun with his studies and girlfriend. Sam has a normal life than me, well at least before I come to his world. Dad also never objects what Sam wants to do. Dad just let Sam go to college and have a normal life. For some reasons, Sam hates dad and doesn’t want dad to rule him. They always fight when they meet. Even so, I know they care about each other. I know quite well that dad loves Sam more than he loves me. I’ve realize that no matter what I do or how good I am in the hunt, dad will always care for Sam. Sam is his son, while I’m his apprentice. I’m his soldier that he can order to do this or that, and I will do it. I never objected his words, not like Sam. I always obey and never questioned him, not like Sam. But, why dad still loves him more than I am? Even the demons love him! Sometimes I feel so jealous with Sam, because he gets the attention I always want to have from dad. Even so, I don’t hate him. I love him and care for him, because he’s my brother and that’s very obvious, right? It’s very obvious also that I will do anything for him, even to sacrifice myself. 

I will do anything for Sam, I will always protect him, I will get really upset when he’s hurt. He’s my little brother, Sammy. He hates it if I call him like that, he doesn’t want me to keep treating him like a little boy. I always love to make a fool of him. He’s so much fun to tease. He doesn’t want me to always watch his back. 

Well, I don’t have any choice since he can’t do anything well (laughs). But, he can’t blame me when I protect him, that’s a brother will always do. I know he wants to protect me too. But, sorry Sammy, your chance hasn’t come yet. Maybe, after I’ve gone you’ll have the chance to do it but not for me, for someone else instead. I’m doing this because I’m his brother; this is what a brother must do. I just hope Sam could understand that. I only want him to live as best as he can. I know I was wrong to ask him to join the hunt with me, I know I can’t regret it now. So, I will just try to live the rest of my life as best I can and to make sure that Sam won’t be so sad when I finally left. 

Sam is still looking outside. I wonder if he sees something interesting out there. Maybe not, maybe he’s just avoiding to talk with me. Sam, no matter what happen, he is still my little brother, my little Sammy. But, I have to say something to break the silence. I don’t want our relationship become cold like this. I don’t want to leave him with regret. 

“Sam,” I call him. He keeps still. I continue to talk. 

“Listen Sam, you know there’s nothing we can do to broke the agreement, no matter what happen I will die,” I can see that Sam doesn’t agree with me. 

“You know that, I know that, and dad also know that when he made it,”

“Then you would know my feeling right now, right? The same feeling you had when father die for you. You’re so annoyed back there, and you expect me to be calm?” Sam said it with anger in his voice. I become quiet. I really understand his words and also his feeling. Yes, I was feeling so upset when dad exchanges his life for me, and now I will leave that same feeling for Sam. But, I can’t let Sam to have the feeling.  

“Yes, I know but I can’t let you die, Sam, I can’t let you die like mom and dad, I just can’t,”

“Why?”

“Because you’re my brother,” 

“And you aren’t for me?” I become still again. He’s really good with words. Maybe it’s because he went to college.  

“Sam, I’ve done this work for my entire live, which will ended soon, I know the risk of this job, I’ve accept it. And there’s nothing in this world could stop me from protecting my family. I’ve fail with mom and also dad; I don’t want the same thing with you,”

“I want you to live a happy life,” Sam suddenly laughs.

“I would if you don’t ask me in the first place,” I smile. Yes, if only I didn’t ask him, things may become different. We won’t do the hunt together. We won’t risk our life together and fighting demons. We won’t lose dad, I won’t be dead soon, and we won’t have this conversations. But, we also won’t be as close as we are right now. I won’t have the chance to be a brother for Sam. Both of us won’t have the chance to care for each other. We would live our live apart from each other, without caring like now. I won’t ever understand about Sam and what really happen with Mom. I won’t understand about dad and his feeling. I’m so grateful I’ve picked Sam out.  

“I don’t want to lose you, Dean. I want to do something for you,” said Sam. He doesn’t know that I want the same thing for him. 

“You can,” I said. 

“What?” he laughs again, this time quite hard and sound cynical.

“By staying alive,” I look at him and he’s looking at me too. Sam knows there’s nothing he can do to change my mind. Sam knows I’ve made my decision. I won’t look for a way to keep living. But, it doesn’t mean that I’ll give up. I will keep living as best as I can for the rest of the time I have. I will keep fighting demons before the time runs out for me. I won’t give up either moaning about it, or feeling scared. I will face it and never regret it. I won’t let Sam feel sorry for me or blaming himself. I will do what I can do to protect him and make sure he’s fine after I left. I hope later on Sam would understand why I’m doing this for him. I don’t want him to get hurt or sad. He’s my brother, my one and only dearest brother. Damn! I can’t believe I say those words! 

- KiRaidesu -